28.08.23: not so fucked after all! well, i was pretty fucked for a while. being homeless really sucked but now i've moved into a new place and i'm in college woohoo! ever since i moved it seems that things are looking up for me. i've been eating well taking care of myself and hopefully i'll manage to keep up with my work. now that my life is a little bit less precarious and i'm studying programming seriously, expect to see a lot more site updates. i'm planning on slowly getting through all the stuff i want to get done like a fic archive website, so get excited for that! it's not all doom and gloom, as much as it definitely seemed like it at the time. i'm still really gutted that i'm not going to germany but i suppose i'll just have to live with that.

09.06.23: i'm fucked and i'm going to die. no sardinia for me. no and one for me. homeless in pride month. the world hates clowns. i don't really feel like expanding. what's the fucking point? i took my and one countdown off of the index page because the knowledge it was there was really fucking getting to me and so was that last diary entry. so. life update. it all went to shit.

03.05.23: my new flatmate moved in the other day, she's very nice! she's from south india and we're going to cook for each other! i'm very very excited. the mouse problem feels like it's only gotten worse in the past week. i don't really know what could have triggered that, but i get the feeling that since i've cleaned up ophelia's mess, the lack of food is driving them out of hiding. like i cant even begin to tell you just how bad this has been for my mental health. i had to shoo an injured mouse out of the house the other day and last night i found one in my room. i managed to catch it and trap it under a pot. didn't really know what to do with it after that. i tried to tell myself i'd just let it starve to death but that's just childish.

so. i was a really big brave boy who got the mouse out of the house. i fucking hate it i hate it i haaaaaate ittttttt! like it literally is driving me insane! but. only one more month of college and then i can move home again. i might as well stay in my hometown when i finish college until i get my passport and then i'm off to sardinia. i'm feeling a lot more positive about it since one of my friends was a real fucking dick to me today. i'm fucking off to italy and i'm going to get myself a scooter and i'm going to go places and do shit. it's going to be great!

26.04.23: skipped college today, too tired. we'll see how THAT goes... i'm totally failing again. i'm seriously considering getting a job and moving to sardinia for a year just so i don't have to do college anymore. it'd probably be difficult to get a job in sardinia considering i don't speak italian or sardinian, but idk. maybe now is the time to learn. i just need to get my passport which is a fucking PAIN... my mum has been hounding me about it for months. it's not that i'm putting it off, i really need to get it because i really want to see and one for my birthday... but unfortunately getting a passport is a BITCH when you're me!

three hour long phone conversation with my mother. you know its gonna be fucking good. she thinks moving to sardinia for a years is a really good idea, so i'm going to finish the semester, live with my aunt up north for a month, and then move to sardinia. granny just has a whole fucking one bedroom house over there on her property going unused?! i grew up in poverty and so did the rest of my family so it's so bizarre to me. granny bought her council house years and years ago and then my mother bought it from her and she used the money for land in sardinia. absolutely insane but hey if i can life rent free for a year...

mum and i were talking about how mediocre i am. yay! no but really. i was talking about how college obviously isn't working for me and how i feel like i've hit a wall everywhere and dont have any other options... and she asked me if i really ever wanted to do art or if it was just what my dad expected of me and it honestly just hit me that i'm the med student child and i didnt even fucking realise it. i used to think this is what i wanted, but get real. i'm not good at art. i'm not good at writing. i'm definitely not good at coding lmaoooooo. i'm painfully mediocre and that's all i'll ever be. it's really hard to hear "yeah, you're completely mediocre" from my mother but it's true. the biggest compliment my dad ever gave me before he died was that my art was "okay" and fuck, it is! it's just okay! it's only ever going to BE okay! it's never going to be better than it is now! fuck! i plateaued! i fucking PEAKED! and it's all i've set my life towards for the past ten years! i quit drag because my own mediocrity broke my fucking heart!! mum thinks me realising this is all very profound and she thinks it'll be really good for me to move away but fuck me, man.............. my life fucking sucks. it's just one of those things.

oooo i will never be anything exceptional. the one time i felt like i was actually competent at a job some cunt got really mad about it and tried to ruin my life over it i just cant win. sorry for being depresso but it's MY website



25.04.23: i genuinely have no idea what to write here but i guess this is like a longer version of my update log. i havent done any web stuff for yeaaaaaaaars so i'm honestly so glad that it's coming along nicely. something something like riding a bike......